You're an angry, bitter, little woman, Elizabeth.

Sometimes I try really hard to pretend like I'm this cool, laid-back, fun-loving person. I'm not. I'm bitter and grumpy and judgemental and angryyyyyy.

This is a pretty accurate depiction:

For the record, I am BOTH of them. I bicker and complain and rant and abuse (myself, sometimes).

And yes, I am one of those idiot people who actually enjoy being a grump.

In the interest of getting it all out of my system, I decided to compile a list of the petty, stupid stuff that bugs me to no end, in the hope it'll allow me to move on and be a normal, functional member of society.

15 THINGS I HATE THAT ARE TOTALLY NOT WORTH HATING BUT I DO IT ANYWAY BECAUSE I'M A STUPID, PETTY, BAD PERSON:

 
1. When people say 'orient-tated' or 'mis-cheeev-ious'. I want to shout "THESE ARE NOT WORDS", tell them they're dumb, and then maybe punch them in the face.

2. Low fat dairy. UGHHH. LOW. FAT. DAIRY. Stop lying to yourself with your constant protests of 'oh it's not about the calories, I just think skim cheese tastes better!'. Shut up, you silly skank. Nobody thinks skim cheese tastes better. Because it doesn't! It's gross! It's not good for you! And I'm preeeettty certain it's one of the reasons you're fat in the first place! So please eat some butter. I promise your life/body will be infinitely better.

3. Houses that look like this:

 Sorry if this is your house.

(not really.)

All grey and flat and squares and glass. Preeeeetty sure 'architecture' like this is a conspiracy: our homes now look like our offices, our offices feel like home. Our 'work selves' never get switched off. We become boring and uncreative, and therefore obedient. Then - before anyone can realise what's happening - Voldemort rises to power and kills all our parents!!!!
Also, they're really ugly.

4. When people give their pets cutesy 'pet names'. I HATE PET NAMES. I hate 'Fluffy' and 'Tiny' and 'Bubba' and 'Mittens' and 'Flopsy' and 'Baby'. If you truly value and respect your pets, you will give them proper names, like Samson and Jennifer and Reggie and Louise.

5. Children in TV shows/commercials. Clearly, the people who write children's parts in scripts have never actually met a child/were never children themselves. Kids on TV are either disgustingly sickly-sweet-cutesy-wutesy, or else they're over-intellectualised to the point that it's downright confusing. Is this a 4 year old or Kelsey Grammer?

6. Vocal fry. EPIDEMICCCCCCC. It hurts my throat just listening to it!! And my ears. And my soul. While this particular article talks about young American women, I can assure you it's spread to Australia (and young men too). Usually when they're trying to sound particularly cool/blasé/sophisticated/educated/worldly. Handy tip: I will not take a siiiiiiingle word you say seriously if you crackle and creak and drawl it at me. Fin.

7. "Inspiring" Lorna Jane workout clothes...

I said this about them on Facebook a while ago, and I stand by it:

Happy to know at least 7 people are with me on this.

These clothes are not uplifting and motivating: they are lame and tacky bullshit. And guess what! They make you look lame and tacky. And also like you're desperately trying to create a "FIT PERSON IMAGE" for yourself. The only real motivation anyone gains from these is ME:  if you are working out near me at the gym - or run past me on the street - wearing one of these, I WILL kick your ass. I don't care if I vomit up my lungs or rupture every muscle in my body... you are going to be put back in your place.

8. The following small, completely simple, shouldn't-be-a-big-deal tasks: putting a new registration sticker on my car; transporting my laundry the 0.0002 ft from my washing machine to the dryer; watering my one pot plant; getting my hair cut; filling my car with petrol; washing water bottles (I def have some kind of weird fungal mouth disease); changing my sheets; making phone calls to 'important' - read: annoying as hell, bureaucratic - places (the bank, my real estate agent, Dominos.... wait..no. Scrap that. I love calling Dominos); taking my vitamins; following even the most basic recipe; shaving my legs; taking the garbage out.

9. Blogger/Twitterer suck-up sessions. As a former massive blog suck-up (2001 was not a good year for me. I wanted nothing more than for my blog to be Dusty's Universe or Jenverz - anyone remember those!?? - and would stop at nothing to get their attention), I spot this a mile off and it is painful and obvious and embarrassing to witness. It's like being 10 years old, and desperately wanting to befriend the cool girl who looks good in multicoloured, fluorescent bike shorts and has really shiny hair (and whose mother knows how to French braid.... I'm looking at you, mum. You failed me.) and the amazing collection of glitter pens. You try and you try and you try to get noticed/in her good books, but it just always kind of falls flat. Not because you're lame or unfunny or ugly (though maybe.... I can't guarantee that this girl isn't a bitch), but because you REEEEEEK of effort. It's just not fun to be around. Then you end up not only NOT in the cool group, but also with a reputation as "THAT GIRL WHO TRIED WAY TOO HARD TO GET IN THE COOL GROUP AND IS THEREFORE DEFINITELY NOT COOL"
... what were we talking about again? Oh, you're not my psychologist? Righto. Point is, don't be like me: let go of your internet (or playground) idols, chiiiiilllll out, and work on making YOURSELF cool, not being cool by association. And stop looking like a fool.

10. "Those girls" - the shiny-haired, French-braided, glitter-pen-owning cool girls of my childhood. They all played netball, loved dolphins and horses (and collected tacky as crap little statues of them), and wanted to be marine biologists when they grew up. I hated them, ohhhh I hated them. Correction: I HATE them. Because I - at almost 25 years old - am clearly still not at all over this.

11. The following celebrities: Scarlett Johansson, Gwyneth Paltrow, Sarah Michelle Gellar. No reason in particular.. they just all have the kinds of faces I would never get sick of punching.

12. People who like under-ripe bananas. No, it's not enough that I hate under-ripe bananas themselves, I must extend my distaste by hating their fans as well: YOU ARE ALL SO STUPID.

13: Any combination of the following: tight bun/slicked back hair, shoulder pads, red lipstick, prominent cheekbones. Due entirely to the following female characters: Regina from 'Beethoven's 2nd', Claudia from 'The Chipmunk Adventure' and Lilith from 'Frasier' (who in hindsight was probably not as evil as the first two). Exposure to these characters at a young age scarred me, and I am now cannot stand women in suits. This might be why my professional career is going nowhere.

14. People with peanut allergies. I refuse to believe this is legit. And when you eat as much peanut butter as I do, 'peanut free zones' pose a real problem, in a way other allergies do not (thus, I am able to be much more tolerant of them).

15. The phrase 'way, shape or form'. Just kill it.


I'm done. Thank you for bearing with me. Today we have all learned that I'm mean and judgemental and nasty. But I hope you'll be my friend anyway.
(...as long as you're not allergic to peanuts)