More career options.

I spoke about this before, but have recently come to the realisation that there are even more jobs I could excel at.

Hair Tie Tester

My hair is ridiculously thick. That sounds sort of cruelly insulting to its intelligent and/or figure, though, so I prefer to think of it as 'girthful'. Which is like mirthful, but fatter and more inconvenient. I break hair ties so frequently that I have to carry around an entire extra packet in my handbag at all times. The key is to slowly break them in - stretch them out until they can accommodate the massive volume of my lustrous locks - but... okay. Wow. This paragraph has become increasingly similar to a book I read when I was 11 in a section of my local library that I'm pretty sure I shouldn't have been allowed in. That book is singlehandedly responsible for my vocabulary of words such as 'girth'.
MY POINT IS: hair tie companies need to step their game up, and employ me and my hair to help with their product development.

Red Card Distributor/Law Enforcer for the Crazy Police

There are an awful lot of crazies in this world. People who just have no self-awareness/tact/social etiquette/what's appropriate. These are not to be confused with assholes. Assholes are aware of what they are doing - these crazies are just on a totally other planet and have no idea why they can't seem to get ahead, why their relationships fail, why they're shunned professionally, and why people go out of their way to avoid them at parties ("OHHH YEAH UMMM I JUST NEED TO GO MAKE A PHONE CALL TO..UMM...MY UNCLE. He just got out of hospital and umm... because he's been pretty doped up on drugs he's only awake at 1AM. Yeaaahhhhh OKAY BRB!"). But I am here to help! With my squad of 'Crazy Police' and system of 'Red Cards' I will alert crazies to when they are being.. well...crazy. With this system of warnings and eventual expulsion (from work, a party, the gym, life...), crazies are given new inspiration and guidance on how to be a functional member of society. There is hope!

(also I will probably have a whistle)

Tweet Expander

140 characters is not my ideal writing length. At first I felt bad about this.. like, oh no, I am not concise enough! But then I realised that successful Tweeters - with their brief sentences and aptitude for acronyms - are probably (okay... possibly) jealous of me! Maybe they just don't know HOW to write in a longer format! I shouldn't hate them - I should pity them! ... and then take their money in exchange for expanding their Twitter updates with unnecessary elaboration and poorly-thought-out metaphors.

Comfort Food Chef

Stuff I am good at cooking: brownies, macaroni and cheese, mashed potato, bacon, scrambled eggs, roast vegetables, pancakes, pie.

Stuff I am not good at cooking and have very little interest in: Pretty much everything else. If it could be described as 'delicate', 'trembling', 'waif like', 'precise' or 'dainty', then chances are I don't want to eat it and shouldn't be allowed to make it. 

Magpie Impersonator

The sound this bird makes:

And the sound this bird makes:

... are uncannily alike.

I am yet to find an applicable use for this skill. I am also yet to uncover why I felt it was necessary to turn a photo of myself into one of a poorly-drawn bird. Sozzzz.

Professional Googler

Need to know who sung that song that was really popular during the autumn when you were 9? Want the transcript for the 8th episode in the 5th season of Gilmore Girls? Unsure of Judy Garland's favourite colour?  Want to know the exact dimensions of the 'ctrl' key on your keyboard? Come to me. I'm really, really good at searching for obscure information on the internet. If it's useless, has very little practical application, and can be dubbed 'a waste of time', then I will excel.